Losing Your Creative Spark

6.16.20

Emily

Writer’s block sucks. If you’ve ever attempted to write a term paper the night it was due, pump out a new chapter of your novel, or even sat down and tried to finish those thank you cards your mom has been bugging you about, then you know. Something about looking at an empty page that you are supposed to fill up is terrifying. Even as I’m writing this right now, I’m switching between writing half a sentence and then scrolling through Instagram then finishing the sentence because of how much effort it takes to write at the moment. And some of this can be attributed to the world right now I think. 

With worldwide pandemics, massive protests reaching every corner of the earth (Black Lives Matter!!), and personal issues that always arise when things get crazy, everyone is busy and stressed. And with school starting up again (for those of us who are still young enough to do that sort of thing), things are only gonna get crazier. In my case, I’m switching schools in a month and taking my life in a completely different direction. And that direction happens to be in writing: creative writing to be exact. Which is something I’ve been passionate about for my entire life. But not right now. 

You see recently I haven’t been feeling passionate about anything. If you count since I was 16 as ‘recent’. After a couple of years of really intense mental health problems and a year of anti-depressants, my once vivid and creative imagination that never quit and frequently got me in trouble vanished without a trace and has yet to fully return. And to someone who is starting an intensive creative writing program, I’m terrified. It goes deeper than just the annoying writing block that plagues everyone with a story inside of them. I am completely terrified that when I start this new program, that instead of kickstarting my creative brain and bringing me back to life, I will stumble and fall and lose my creative spark forever. 

Now I know this is a pretty unrealistic fear. While it is possible to fail in school (been there done that), this school is designed to foster success and make me as ready as I can be for the career that I’ve always wanted. Which I think is the scariest part. If I fail in a school that for all intents and purposes was made for people like me, then can I succeed anywhere?

Obviously, yes I can but when your brain starts obsessing over those kinds of questions it can make it really hard to believe in yourself. And it’s not like I have the best track record when it comes to succeeding in hard programs. In high school, I was in the IB program for 2 and a half years. And before that last half-year, I was a pretty consistently straight-A student who would sob over having an 89 in math. And then in the end of my sophomore year I started feeling really tired and upset all of the time and after a few months of decreased motivation, happiness, quality of life I realized “hey I might be depressed”. This was the first realization of many that would lead to my eventual dropping out of the IB program and switching between multiple programs until I finally graduated and started university at a school I didn’t want to go to in a degree program I wasn’t really all that interested in. 

Now, you’re probably wondering “Why is this girl writing about her high school experience? I thought this was gonna be about writer’s block and how to get your spark back.” You’re right. This was supposed to be about ‘losing your creative spark’, and it is to a certain extent. But in my experience, when you lose something, the best way to find it is to retrace your steps and remember the last time you had it. If you’re reading this for advice then I would suggest thinking about the last time you remember having an idea that truly excited you. Whether it be for a song, a novel, a movie, a painting, anything. When was the last time you stayed up late trying to get it all out of your head? When was the last time you stole moments in class or at work to write down everything you could about your idea? For me, its been about 4 years. For you it could be a lot longer or a lot more recent but either way, remebering is the key. Focusing on the last time you felt like that might help you remember what made that feeling go away. And hopefully, once you know that, you’re spark might start flicker again.